VI – The Lovers

 

We were on a schooolbus. She was right by his side, but I couldn’t see her face. He handed me a paper, grinning. It said: Live and be loved.

I felt my chest inflating like a child’s ballon, ready to fly over the hills.

That did the trick for me.

My boyfriend has pointy black wings, and he visits me at night.

Piercing eyes, a voice that could melt that old stone sink we used to hide in the kitchen, as well as on those fields ready for the spring mow, but the forest held a secret; above the faerie waterfalls and tiniest streams, the doe I never saw; but i remember leaving a story about a squirrel on her own King Oak, and upon coming to collect it, a spider had woven a web all around it. Like the ones I used to draw all over the notebook thinking he would like me, hating the job; getting lost in the seconds between calls in the fields, in the beds, between the next hello, thinking he could like me.

I used to dream about a man.

He was 25 and I was 12.

In my dream, we were married.

I knew his scent; the way he would leave his sunglasses by the front door mirror; it confused me seeing him in magazines, apparently unaware of my existence.
Long summer days; hanging our bathing suits in the garden, the touch of freedom on my skin, the rosy vesper breeze.

And oh!lways the wait! When kissing the dog, you’re missing a boyfriend, when wanting to dye the hair black and finding him in a casket by the river, all in a poem, never being loved, when seeing him for the first time and the feelings not mutual, thinking, it must be because he doesn’t know me. But the emptiness in the chest, and the fresh air, and cutting articles from magazines, and counting till I would see him again,

and the stories, and the funny comics my sister drew, and the advice I never took,
and the candle lighting, and the chanting,

but love was always far from me.

(the fights. the trying. the high heels. the lies.)

 

I was in a hotel, all expenses paid. No worries about the future, existential or otherwise. He was there in the lobby, welcoming me like the queen of the place.

“Come with me, ” he said, “All is taken care of and I love you”.

 

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